Hindsight is always 20/20.

a shitload of brain cells, among others. you'd be lucky to have a few survive. other living things that boredom will kill will be the officemate, the boss and just about everyone coming in knife range.

it's not funny being cooped up in a room with a computer in front, a crappy seat stuck to your behind, an officemate doing nothing but surf friendster and watch porn, another officemate doing nothing but play with his PSP and an over-eager yet tempertamental air conditioning unit.

being a code monkey is not only boring work, but frustrating too. and the sad thing is, i'm scalp-deep in the shit that i've been digging too far long to quit - even though i want to quit.

~*~*~*

(this is a partial, indirect explanation for being MIA for more than a month)

yay my pc is fixed~!

~*~*~*

then again. that may be not a good idea. PC+PS2+bad work schedule+thesis = dead blogger. really.

my new motto in life: work hard, play harder, die earliest.

i just realized: my life offers so little variety. nothing interesting happens to me. other than bad stuff i suppose. a lot of it, for that matter. from a busted PC to an overdue thesis to the usual workload, all flying towards me in a flock of truckloads of fresh hot manure. yes, flocks. not just a solitary truckload of manure, but a flock of them fly at me at the same time most of the time. can't imagine it? don't bother.

anyway.

so here i am, stuck with work and everything that comes with it. i must say, these projects tend to become boring by the day. and my pc at home is still busted, so the PS2 is getting a LOT of loving strokes like the guitar.

boring life. really.

so. i'm feeling down, sleepy and downright lazy. a BAD combination to have especially if you're at work.

(jeez dude, what's new? is there even an instance where you never felt like that?
(actually there is. don't mind my inner snark.)

anyway. for four days straight now i've been getting a grand total of 4-5 hours worth of continuous sleep per night. well, you can't exactly call that night for i get to finally(!) sleep around midnight, then pop out of the bed around 4 or 5AM. so technically, that's just a nap right? you know how nasty it is when you are yanked to reality straight from a deep REM zone? don't ask for it - you'll end up as one grumpy SOB for the entire day. and since that has been going on for the entire week, i'm now one grumpy SOB for the entire week. add that to my list above.

feeling down, sleepy, downright lazy and indiscriminately grumpy. there. noted.

~*~*~*

for some weird reason i'm getting a burning sensation at my gut, somewhere in the area of the diaphragm. i think it's something akin to heartburn... the genesis of ulcer? jeez. after that angina attack a month ago, now that? shi-yet.

~*~*~*

my PC is shot. video card croaked because of age and heat... good thing the other parts are ok. or so i hope. oh well. my trusty PS2 and guitar will keep me company until i get the PC up again. i'll be getting soul calibur 2/3 and maybe tekken 5 later to ward off the boredom.

(imagines wads of cash flying away...)

*shakes head*

sadness. good thing i have a (not-so-good-paying) job. well, it helps me to tide over the months, better than nothing.

First off, i'd like to offer my sympathies to the the families and friends of the victims in the shooting. 32 people down and out (no, i'm not counting the shooter who kicked the bucket afterwards), some of those dead were assets to humankind. Their potential contribution to humankind's betterment is a loss no one can really quantify.

now. the thing is, the motives maybe different between shootings (Columbine, etc), but one common fact remains - the incidents happened in the schools where the kids are supposedly safe. a lot of questions pop up with their individual sets of the proverbial can of worms.

admittedly, there are times when i've gotten the urge to do just that - grab a gun or two and go pop heads. preferably a rifle with a decent scope for zooming in that face before it becomes a bloody pulp, a handy-dandy high-capacity handgun for close quarters, a sharp K-Bar for special cases and hand-to-hand. maybe rig some cars with bombs so that people running away on their wheels will get a nasty surprise. mix some poison (cynanide or some other toxins that can be absorbed thru the eyes, skin or thru inhalation) in the water sprinklers then make a fire. those things are not that hard to do - a little know-how on chemistry and mechanics, contacts, good planning, will and determination to do the deed are all you need. heck, if you're just aiming to kill off a lot of people, you can remove the 'good planning' bit and just charge in with guns rambo-style.

call it school rage. or whatever you'd call the sudden explosion of accumulated malice, anger and [insert whatever ill emotions you want here] that you get from school. and the funny thing is, a lot of these so ill feelings come from the environment called school. weird? it makes for an interesting case study, if anything.

'Big Brother is watching you'
- 1984, George Orwell

~*~*~*

Cast of Clowns
Wolfgang


Father, I know now
your life's been stretched too long
across paper torn and crumpled
was drawn the garden that we've sown

You made me, you made me
You made me so damn happy

Wanting to follow you around
But leading a cast of clowns
How could you expect me
To worship your name

Father, I know now
It's etched too deep in sand
I'm sorry...so so sorry
I couldn't wipe it with my hands

You made me, you made me
You made me so unhappy

You made the sky come down
leading a cast of clowns
How could you expect me
To worship your name

Father, I smile now
Wings have stretched to the sky
When i look up at the heavens
I'll see your face in the stars at night

you made me you made me
again you made happy!

The stage has been turned down
The clowns have lost their crowd
Now just sleep well and sound
Quietly rest...

the biggest and longest ever production number of the catholic church had winded down. finally. the thing with this entire lenten season is that it reeks of the stench you usually associate with ads selling products of dubious quality and claims. the way they pimp eternal life and ressurection and all the shit that comes with is does not really work for me; in fact it tends to drive me away. or is that just me?

~*~*~*

relativity is biting me in the ass hard. same with its cousin double-standards. what's with these people nowadays?

~*~*~*

for some reason, i think i'm going to get some hours of my life back. what a no-brainer solution that was, huh?

evidently, the past few weeks were what you won't call 'fruitful' or 'efficient' or something related to those words.

lazy. one word that understates the past weeks. maybe fuckin' lazy would suffice. not.

~*~*~*

i'm burned out. again. i've reached that stage of life where i just want to sit down, find a cool wall to lean on, puff some smoke and drink some booze while staring at the sunset. yeah. just me alone. i'm really tired of it - the drudgery of my present life, the way shit falls on me.. you get the drift.

T. I. R. E. D. oh, throw 'depressed' in that pile too.

~*~*~*

me: i thought you realized the futility of the concept called 'forgiveness'?

I: well, i thought i did. for some reason, some small flame keeps on burning

me: don't expect others to be such a wuss like you. you only lasted being angry towards someone for 6 months. only 6 fucking months. hardly a lifetime buddy

I: i know.

me; so stop doing whatever you're doing and get on with it. nothing's worth anything these days. it's just the people who put value on such worthless things and that makes life way too complicated for them. and the funny thing is, they don't exactly realize that. so be happy that you do. and act on it - that's the important part.

I: maybe so.

~*~*~*